I guess…merely because too many fuckin people are taking control on me right now and I feel like their dolls. Telling what i should do, or who i should be, or what’s right for me. Why cant i make my own decision?? I’m the one who will get throught it anyway.
Perhaps that’s why one simple thing like this makes me fed up.
This is the last i will take.
I dont even remember the last time I feel this way..
I feel stuck. I cant go on anymore. My ways are blocked. And I feel a weight of the world on my shoulder.
I keep on questioning, “What should I do now?”
My highschool is over already. It went so fast. And life goes on.
People so easily go to college afterwards. I want it too. So badly.
But maybe before that, I should take a look at my circumstances first. Maybe I dont need it this year. Maybe I could go next year, after I save up some money.
I’m just an ordinary girl. I wanted to go to highschool and I did. I want to go to college to start my career.
But sometimes, plans just dont go as you want it.
But then again, I cant just sit back and do nothing while all my friends are racing.
Even if I move, how do I know where to go…
Another person has just died on the road, again. Yesterday, she got run over by a car in front of where I hung out. Eventhough I wasnt there to witness it, still it’s shocking me cause I wouldve been a witness if i didnt have to give my friend a ride.
So, I was just about to go home at 7pm after hanging out with my old friends. And then I decided to give my friend a ride home. Before we’d reached halfway, my tire got flat so we went back a litte to get it fixed. Then we went home.
Soon after I got home I checked on my twitter, and saw this tweet about accident in front of Banana Inn, Setiabudhi. And I was like, wtf that was where I was 10 minutes ago!!
The accident was really really bad…
She was a 11th grader, not wearing helmet, and listening to music loudly. Her head got run over. I cant imagine..
But what I’m thinking right now is that I couldve watched it, I couldve been a witness that night… I dont know how my life is gonna be if I were there to see it.
Cause like a month ago, I got into a little accident which almost cost my head as well. But no, i didnt happen.
These road accidents lately have been going on and on around me. I cant bear this anymore that’s why i try to write it down to have the words come out.
Sorry if this gross anyone out.
I just want those who ride or drive on the road to be careful, and please guys dont do anything stupid which could cost your life, like texting or listening to your iPod really loud. You’ll never know what could happen to you..
This morning I posted on my line “I wish I had a puppy..”. Then I suddenly felt like checking on my facebook just to see what everyone has been up to. Then my hostmom chatted me and said “We might get a dog Nabila!!”
I was like whaaatttt! No fair!
But then at the same time it’s funny how it’s like a total coincidence. I wish i were still there with them :(
So, she sent me this picture. I guess it’s their future new member of the Nitzke! So cute :’3
I’ve promised myself not to love anyone to death unless I’ll really marry him one day.
I’ve told a half of my heart to love someone no matter what; and the other half to let go when everything doesn’t work anymore.
Now, I’m hating myself for not being able to stop drowning into the deeper part of that place called, love.
Shit happens and people get hurt. Life’s tough but we must move on.
That day will eventually come. No matter how hard you say you won’t let it happen. It will.
But, I don’t care cause we’re gonna make the best out of the time we have together
Okay so. I dont even remember when was the last time I celebrated New Year’s eve. Was it 3 years ago? or maybe thousand years ago? I dont remember.
Wait. Hang on.
I think I kind of remember what happened last year.
It was the last day of 2011 and I was in the U.S for my exchange year.
And I remember i counted down my last day of 2011 in my grandma’s basement, which is a BAR. Haha!
Actually, my hostmom took me there cause she had to work for my grandma, she needed help. So I went there.
I’ve been to the bar for a couple times, I used to play pool, talk to random people, help in the kitchen, or watch people gamble, well…i admit it, i gambled and one time I put a dollar in, and I got $10 out of it! lol
Now that this is the last day of 2012 and all I did today was :
Eat. Watch tv. and……well that’s pretty much it.
I’m just typing up about how miserable my day was so the world knows that I’m not really having a good day. But, screw that!
Actually, I’m having a good date with my bed, my water bottle, my teddy bears with a music on.
And i just dont get what so special about today…
This isnt the only day that we can watch fireworks, we can go to Disney World and watch the fricking fireworks everyday.
Or just buy some of them out of the store.
But we can’t get the feel of it.…Oh yeah, shut up. I know.
In the end, I just hope that tomorrow would be a start to a wonderful year. I’m so grateful of what i have now. I’ve been blessed with the joy of family, friends, relatives. Also, I’m so lucky to be able to call so many places my home. My friends are now all over the world, and a lot of them I still keep in touch with. Thank God for what you have given me so far
He would be the one I could be myself with. I could be weird with him and he wouldn’t judge. He would understand that I love my friends and I’d understand he loves his too. He would understand that I get along with guys for most of the time and he wouldn’t get mad or jealous easily. We would see each other on weekend and it’d be just the two of us, spending time together and it doesnt have to be something expensive or fancy, we’d just talk, cuddle and joke around all day long. He would love to stay inside and watch movies together while having some hot chocolate. He wouldn’t care how I look, if I wear the same jeans 3 days straight or same clothes, and i wouldnt either. He would kiss me and say that he had a lovely day with me. We would tell each other ugly and we’d just laugh. We’d make everyone around us jealous because we’d be the cutest couple they’ve ever seen <3
I’ve always been fond of public speaking. But still, I get nervous when I face it.
It’s not like I’m on the stage right now or anything. It’s still just a technical meeting.
The lady in front of me has been talking for like an hour. Babbling over and over again about something we already know.
And I’m just looking at her dumbly, with my runny nose. God, I hate flu.
Wait, now here we go…we’re drawing those numbers.
She’s calling the contestant to the front…one by one….by the way, there are 27 contestants, total.
For some reason I know I would be the last one to be called.
Each contestant opens the piece of paper and says the number out loud so the lady across the room can write that down.
Shit. Where is number 1.
Two more contestants to go. Me and the other girl from I-dont-know-where.
Please. Let her get number 1, let her get number 1..
SHIT! Now it’s my turn.
there are still 3 pieces of paper left. I guess two of them are for those who cant make it today.
There you go, nabila. Darling you can do this. How hard could it be? Just get the paper but dont get the number 1. Easy.
In fact, it’s not.
As I open the paper, I know it would be this number. I know from the very first moment I sit in that stupid chair on the corner.
It’s number 1. It’s that frickin number!!!
Everyone is giving me that thank-God-I’m-not-you kind of look.
Well, it’s nice to know that I will go first on Monday, isnt it?
So people can learn from my mistakes, and they could be better than me.
At least, I can get it over with real soon and enjoy the rest of the day.
God, I can’t do this.
Why does the world feel so much faster these days.
It’s supposed to be a normal day, normal life, and anything normal. But somehow I feel a little hole in my heart. I dont quite know what used to be in there. And apparantly it affects my normal life. It really does.
I feel like a zombie.
Or maybe I’m just tired. Strangely, I think I dont even know what I’m tired of
Have you ever felt like this?
Find yourself sitting alone in the room with a blank stare, overhearing people outside arguing to one another, and just….. can I be done with this?
Oh Jeez! I guess I’m just being a bitch right now. I never used to be this girl. This is someone else.
Yes. I’m just being a bitch.
Sure I can cope with this situation. I’ll make it through somehow.
This year will end, the new year is just round the corner.
It will start soon, so will my resolutions.